Elle from Milton asks…

I’ll just come out and say it. I can’t stand my boyfriend’s family. They’re obnoxious, put me on the spot all the time, and are SO controlling of everything he does. I’ve asked him to stick up for me and have my back several times but he never actually does anything when the time comes. I love him and really want to be with him but I can’t imagine having to see his family at every holiday for the rest of my life. Is there anything else I can do but shut up and deal with it?

Hi Elle,

I can understand the frustration you must be feeling and ask that you take a step back and a deep breath.  It will all work out, and this is why: The direction this will take will always depend on what you decide are the critical needs and wants in YOUR life.

Your boyfriend sounds like someone who possibly grew up in a controlling home but also respects authority.  Depending on his culture and upbringing, he likely will never speak back to his parents – and this will be a common reality in any relationship he is in.

All is not lost however, because what I’m hearing is a clear gap in communication and understanding between you two.  He doesn’t understand how much this upsets you and how devalued and abandoned you feel in the relationship.  Rather than making your boyfriend the target and blaming him for the problem, approach him with respect and objectivity.

Use clear words that express how you feel when he doesn’t speak up for you.  “I feel alone when….”, “I feel disrespected when…”.  After the conversation, be appreciative of his listening and for taking the time to hear you out. Men are so different from us Elle. They will not hear you if you come at them with blame but rather an expression of your inner soul and spirit.  A mature and loving man will take the time to hear you out.

Hope my advice is helpful and I wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Yvonne Sinniah

PS

About his parents, don’t hold your breath on changing them.  The opinion that they are controlling is likely an opinion many have but it is HOW you deal with their nature that will determine your happiness and the success of your relationship.  Seeing them on the holidays doesn’t sound as consuming and disruptive as seeing them everyday, correct?

So, how are you going to manage your time together over the holidays so you actually enjoy it? Take the time to evaluate what things you need to put in place so you can enjoy your time with them regardless of their words and nature.  How will they know your boundaries without the expression of words? This is a tough one but sometimes silence works wonders.