Don’t Be Desperate for Love

0006

For too many years, Norman’s cologne seemed to have a scent of its own: Desperation.

At least, it seemed that way whenever he tried to initiate a date.

“It’s like women could smell me from miles away,” confessed the 38-year-old single social worker.

“I was really lonely and wanted a relationship in the worst way. Within minutes of meeting someone, if the conversation was going well – which basically means, they said hello — and even sometimes when it wasn’t — I’d be asking them to dinner and a movie.”

Norman was rebuffed so many times that upon the odd occasion when someone did accept his invitation, he showed his appreciation with overcompensation – bringing lavish gifts and peppering them with ideas for future dates.

“I was pretty overbearing,” says Norman.

“The date would end with those inevitable words ‘I just want to be friends.’ My calls would never get returned and I’d never hear from them again.”

Evan Marc Katz, a Los Angeles-based dating coach and author of the books Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not To Get Mad and I Can’t Believe I’m Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide To Successful Internet Dating, isn’t surprised.

“Desperation doesn’t play,” he says. “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.”

Katz says a common trait for hopeful romantics is to elevate the stature of their date to a level of immediate disadvantage.

“I call it the Pedestal Principle,” Katz explains. “Once you put someone up on a pedestal, they’re immediately looking down on you. And, when we’re feeling insecure about ourselves and we’re really jazzed about someone, we treat him or her like God’s gift without even really knowing them.

“Nobody really responds to that. They say, ‘Whoa. Slow down. I don’t even know you. Why are you trying so hard?’”

After a few years of serial rejection, Norman came to a similar conclusion and decided to change his tact:

He stopped trying.

“I needed to regroup and shift my focus,” said Norman. “I realized I was projecting a lot of my insecurities and inadequacies — and who wants to inherit that baggage, especially on a first date? I decided to shut up for awhile, step back and observe how other guys did it. So I went solo to a few different sports bars — and it was a revelation!”

Norman observed that many single men were comfortable in their own skin, and that confidence parlayed itself into friendly and informal pressure-free conversations with attractive women.

“Sometimes those conversations went nowhere,” said Norman. “And sometimes they ended in invitations for either a future get together or an overnight hookup.

“But they all told me the same thing: to relax a bit and let things happen naturally. It’s like a light bulb went off in my head.”

As a result, Norman decided to take himself out of circulation for a while — a tactic dating author Katz doesn’t necessarily recommend.

“The problem I see more often than anything is that people think it’s going to happen for them by not looking,” says Katz. “The real problem with most people’s love lives is that they don’t do anything. They expect it to happen because they’re a catch.

“So I’m not a believer in not looking for love, because in real life, unfortunately, we don’t find love at the gas station or at the grocery store or when we’re working in an office with four other married people. I really do think it’s about making a consistent effort to create opportunity.

“Of course, how you go about that is going to be the difference between being proactive and being desperate.”

Katz says dating requires practice, not avoidance.

“People think they’re supposed to be good at dating, that it’s supposed to come naturally,” he explains. “It doesn’t. It’s a skill set — and that’s the big blind spot that most people have.

“As there’s a learned behavior at your job, so is there a skill set to dating and relationships, and it has to do with a measure of practice and understanding the opposite sex, what they’re looking for and what they’re attracted to.”

Katz says the key to a successful date is just being you, and he offers one bit of advice to achieve this mindset.

“People should ask themselves, ‘Who are you at your best around?’ Your best friend? Your mom? Your work colleagues? That’s who you’re supposed to be on a date.

“The problem is when we’re insecure and go gaga over someone, we act like someone else. We seize up when we think we’re being judged, when the pressure’s on, when we’re attracted to someone. Once we start to do that, it has the opposite effect of what we intend. You really want to channel your most comfortable energy on a date.”

Katz also encourages daters to use their imaginations.

“People should pretend in their head that they’re taken, because the energy of someone who is taken is completely different than the energy of someone who is desperate. The reason that married men suddenly get more attention from women is that they don’t need anything from anybody. A married guy can talk to any woman because he can’t be rejected.”

And if things repeatedly don’t work out, Katz recommends a strategy usually reserved for people leaving their jobs: the exit interview.

“If you’re a woman who goes out on 10 dates and you never get a second date, it’s probably time to start asking questions.

“What if you went back to that person a week later and said, ‘Hey, I know I’m not going to hear from you again and that’s cool. I had a nice time meeting you and I’m trying to learn something about myself. The signals that I’m sending aren’t working for me.

“Can you please give me some feedback as to why we didn’t get a second date? I’d really appreciate it.

“Most nice people will tell you,” Katz says.

Norman, who is now casually dating three women, said he learned from his past behavior and through watching others.

“For me, it was the right solution,” he said.

Photo source: thesocialgods.com

About Christine

Dating Expert & Relationship Coach, Christine has been working in the Dating Industry for over 12 years and is the founder of Your Date Coach Inc. She is Canada's only PAX Programs Licensee.
Scroll To Top